Don’t. Just. Don’t.

This was a note I’d previously written and posted on Facebook.  I thought I’d share it here.  It never fails to make me laugh out loud.  Enjoy…..

*Names have been changed for my protection.  Yeah.  That’s right.  MY protection.*

You know I’m a big fan of Twitter.  And if you don’t know, now you know….

You should also know how bold I can be, I hide very little, unless of course I’m talking about my private, intimate life.  But even then, I’m known to overshare.

Well the following is an account of what recently went down on Twitter/Facebook.

Years ago, during a very dark and grey winter hibernation (you should also know that I HATE winter!) I joined a “dating” website. Lo’ and behold, I met Henry*. We exchanged emails (you know how I feel about giving out my number to any Tom, Dick or Harry, so email will do, thank you very much) and found out shortly thereafter that there wasn’t a connection between Henry and I, as such, I was #ontothenextone.

Fast forward to last week and there’s a message in my Facebook inbox from Henry asking me for my Twitter name because “I enjoyed reading your tweets”.  Ok. If you enjoyed reading my tweets, wouldn’t you already be following me?  *insert buzzer noise here*  Wrong!!  Because as I soon came to learn, he blocked me from Twitter.  Hmm.  Red flag.  Seems someone was protecting himself from something!  Anyhow, he unblocked me (after asking me for instructions on how to do so) and proceeded to follow me on Twitter, for the second time around.

Now, Twitterers, you know how we do that #shoutout to new followers??  (Which I no longer do ’cause it’s lame unless my new follower is a fine piece of ass man).  I gave Henry a #shoutout.  But as Twitterers also know, when you tweet someone specifically, by way of a @reply, you insert that Twitter users name after the @.  NOWHERE in my tweets following said #shoutout was there a @Henry.

And the following is a cut and paste of my tweets after said #shoutout:

1. Bitch thought I wanted him….hahahahaha.  We met on a dating site years ago when I was going thru that phase….y’know…boredom.

2. We never even met and he deleted me from Twitter, Facebook, MSN…you name it. ‘Cause he found that “special girl”.  Hahahahaha!!

3. And now that he’s single again, he wants to jump back on?!  Nice try amigo.  That nice redneck didn’t do it for you?  *snaps fingers*  Darn!

4. Hello new followers.  Have you read my blog?  Oh no?  Well g’head and read it.  And share it with your wife.  She might learn somethin’.

Ok ok ok I know what you’re thinking.  But how was I to know that Henry had a girlfriend?  Or that she was a redneck?  Or that he thought she needed to read my blog??  Because apparently, ALL FOUR TWEETS WERE DIRECTED AT HENRY!!!  How so???  His @ name isn’t anywhere NEAR those tweets.

So the following morning, in my Facebook inbox, this is what I receive from a Janet Wood* titled “In case you didn’t get the Twitter message” (Which I didn’t.  Clearly bitch doesn’t know how to message someone on Twitter):

“In reference to the comments made to HENRY…He didn’t and doesn’t want your ass, he’s not into fat ugly girls (Did she just use the words ‘fat’ AND ‘ugly’ in reference to me???).  Make that a note to yourself.  Maybe you need to find yourself back on a dating site and find your own man (Who said I wanted a man to begin with, stupid? That’s not the ONLY thing dating sites are good for!!)  Far as it’s known he never wanted you, hence the reason you never met.  Hope you take the hint. You get the message”.

*clears throat loudly*

Immediately the blood started pumping through my veins.  Fat?!?!?! It’s thick and voluptuous bitch.

This was my quick reply to Ms. Janet Wood (picture my very sweet, sarcastic, sultry voice here):

“Noooooo.  I didn’t get a message.  The only comment I made to my new follower Henry was a #shoutout.  I don’t remember @ replying anything else to him.  Why are you being so mean?  Are you lacking confidence?  I don’t remember ever connecting with Henry, so there’s really nothing to worry about.  Feel free to scan my Twitter page sweetheart.  You can see who I reply to.

And this talk about fat and ugly?  Who?  That surely isn’t me.  Do I look ugly?  C’mon.  REAL women don’t stoop to this level.

How old is Henry anyhow?  Obviously not man enough to deal with a real woman which explains why he’s with a girl.

G’head.  Go check my tweets.  I know you want to. MizzLoveLippz :)”

To which she replied:

“lol you are sad” <– Notice the lack of punctuation here? Yet she’s a “woman”?  Check yourself GIRL.  But hey, who am I right?

Ok, I’m sad and fat and ugly.  Welp.  Where’s my meds??  I might as well down that whole bottle of Vicodin ’cause my life ain’t worth living if I’m sad and fat and ugly!!!

You know this isn’t over right?  My reply to her and NOW copied to Henry:

“No sweetness, you know whose sad?  Henry is, for thinking I was tweeting about him.

Just a quick lesson regarding Twitter, seeing as Henry is inexperienced with it, one would have to @reply him, which means my tweet would have @Henry WHICH IT DIDNT.  I have no clue or reasoning behind this, but he is obviously on some high horse thinking my tweets were about him.  Really Henry??  If I wanted your ass, trust me, you’d KNOW! And I haven’t made ANY attempt whatsoever in the time since we met on ***** to contact you.  YOU were the one who messaged me last week asking for my Twitter name.

I was on a Twitter rant PRIOR to shouting out Henry so just because I continued on a rant, doesn’t make it about him.  Kinda egotistical of you isn’t it Henry?

I will apologize for the confusion but I’ll disregard that as ignorance of Twitter knowledge.  I’m grown.  I don’t accuse innocent people of foolish shit.

I’ve got nothing to hide.  My Twitter is fully public for people to read AND ENTERTAIN themselves with.  That’s what Twitter is. Entertainment.  Maybe you should sign up ’cause it’s obvious you’re both lacking some fun in your lives.

Now go on and be happy.  And good luck in your relationship.  I’m a lover.  I love people.  No hate here 🙂

Peace and love……. ”

I was disappointed that my message didn’t get to Janet.  She blocked me. Hmmm.  So quickly?? *shrugs*  So I continued with Henry:

“P.S.  Kinda pussy’ish of you to go cry to your girlfriend about my hurting your feelings on Twitter.  Soooooo NOT what a strong black MAN would do.  Tsk tsk.

And your pussy girlfriend can’t take the heat.  She blocked me already! Hahahahahahahahahaha!  Kinda cute actually.  I’m flattered that she’s scared of me.  Maybe she’s afraid of my fat ass.

Oh and by the way, you still have my email address right?  Keep it.  Just in case things don’t work out between you and Janet.  Then I can show you what a REAL WOMAN is all about.

xoxoxoxoxo”

Henry:

“WOW!!!

For the record, I didn’t cry to my girlfriend about anything.  She saw your tweet and drew her own conclusion.  I probably would have thought the same had I been in her place.

Don’t get me started about being a strong black man.  You are in NO POSITION TO BE GIVING ANYONE tips on who is or isn’t a strong black man! <– *cue Beyonce*  He MUST NOT know about me!!

As for your proposal, I don’t have your email addy (What strong black man says “addy”???) and I am very well treated by my woman and doubt that I will need your showing me what a so called “real woman” is about.

In all fairness, I don’t know what she said to you and trust me when I say, I am no belly-acher (Ohhhhh so sad!!  He’s not BIG enough to get in dem guts??!?!?  My bad my bad, he meant he’s no complainer.  But I like my thought better!!!!  *giggling*)

I don’t ever look for drama and frankly, this is more than I care to deal with as my time is way too important for these petty exchanges.  Let’s just say I made a very bad mistake and will not likely repeat it, regardless of the outcome.  (Pssst. What does he mean by that?? Someone decipher that for me!!)

I take full responsibility for this since I was the one who unblocked you in the first place but there is absolutely nothing wrong with communicating with my partner about anything.  (Awww!! *coughpussycough*)

I was wrong for initiating what would result in this very retarded circumstance, so there is no reason for you to be bad mouthing my woman.  That is all on me. (Oh, ok, YOU wanna be the one to bad mouth her??  I get it, I get it!!)

I was the fool but I will be that fool no more.  (Pssst. Again, he’s speaking in code.  Wasn’t it George Washington who said this???)

Peace.”

And finally……because I need to have the last word:

“And for MY record, I didn’t bad mouth your ‘woman’.  On the contrary. Tame your woman.”

(I HATE when someone tells a man to tame his woman.  That irks me like you wouldn’t believe. But #yeahIsaidit)

What’s the moral of this story?  I don’t know…..it’s too late to figure it out.  But if you think there’s a moral, leave your comment.

*sidenote one year later:  The moral of the story is don’t fuck with me.  I WILL get the last word*

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