I’m Just Here.

I hate when people say, “I’m just here”.  Me?  I’m NEVER just here. 

I don’t ever recall having a problem expressing myself.  Words tend to just flow freely from my mouth.  But with you?  I hesitate.

See, even though I “claim” to be in control, I want a MAN.  A man who’ll grab me by the arms and press me up to him when we’re arguing and just kiss me and make me succumb to his demanding mouth.  I want a MAN who will try to take control of the situation and make me shut up even when I’m going off in that passionate way of mine and raising my voice and trying to take “control” of the situation at hand.  I want a MAN who will very casually throw in a “You’re cute when you’re mad” comment when I’m at the peak of my madness just because he knows how much more fiery I will get and the intensity of our make up session will be….

….THAT.  MUCH.  MORE.   INTENSE.

But you sit there.  And at the receiving end of my words, you reply with just an, “Ok”.

Ok?!?!?!  Ok?  Really?  No, I’m not saying you’re any less of a man than what you are.  But you need to stir the pot every once in a while.  You need to make it KNOWN that you’re a man.

There’s a reason I’ve let you stick around.  There’s a reason I actually answer your phone calls and reply to your text messages and even though my stubborn Scorpion pride is trying to shut me up here that’s because I actually think you might have potential.  I can hear you now with your, “I don’t think I need to change” comments but it’s not change per se.  It’s adaptation.  As human beings, we adapt to our surroundings, to change (as much as some people hate change – I, for one, embrace it) to new people in our lives.  And I don’t see you “adapting” to me.

Now before you go on with your, “It can’t always be about you”, I need to interrupt you with this:  No.  It’s not about me.  Quite frankly, I don’t think it’s ever been about me.  I am one of the most accomodating women you will ever meet.  Shit, I held my breath for close to two months before we actually even went on a date.  I disregarded that time I caught you lying about being home in bed and I won’t even discuss that time you had a “valid” reason as to why we couldn’t hang out at your place and watch a movie.  That’s pretty accomodating if you ask me.  So in the entirety of our friendship, it really has been just about you.

And I can’t even get into your insecurities.  I just finished telling you how accomodating I am.  Do you not think I can ease that silly insecurity of yours in your mind?  I’ve been known to mentor a few insecure men in my life.  And I can smile proudly knowing I helped unleash the freak in ’em in some way.

I appreciate your random check-ins, your middle-of-the-day text messages but when I have to think really hard for a reply, it’s just……draining.  Yes, I’m fine, yes, my day is great and yes, it’s a productive day.  I can’t possibly have to physically think of something to say.  Why don’t you try a, “I looked at your photo today and it made me _____”?  Or, “I read something online I thought you’d love” or even, “What are you thinking about?”  This will usually get my word-flow going……and in return, CONVERSATION will ensue.

I’m not asking you to change.  I’m not asking for you to be THAT MAN.  I told you from the jump, I didn’t want THAT MAN.  But……

……I don’t even know how to end this.  Just BE something.  Let it flow.  But let it flow over my way.  Instead of being “just here”…….

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