Vacation Lovin’.

*Just in time for Spring/March break*

Vacation. Just the mere mention of it brings warmth to your bones doesn’t it? How ’bout this……..

Ready?

Sex. On. Vacation.

That’s warmth in between your thighs right there ain’t it?

I’m not talking no “Girls Gone Wild” ‘ish, even though I have not once had a man complain about any of those girls and their self-disrespecting, drunken, random acts of titties flashing.

I’m talking grown ‘ish. Self-indulgent, blissful, “Vacation Love”.

My first vacation loving took place the first time I went to Cuba as a single woman. His name was Raul. And of course Raul looked just like you’re imagining him in your head. Tall, dark and muscular with tanned skin. He spoke two words of English – please and thank you – and that was all that was required in my opinion.

He drove me and my luggage over to my room the first night I arrived and told me, in his fluent tongue, how beautiful my eyes were and stared and smiled the whole four minutes it took to get to my room. He carried my bags to my door, where I tipped him and where he, in turn, asked for his own tip. “Un beso por favor?”

I really couldn’t resist. I never miss an opportunity to make out. I was on vacation! And here was this beautiful creature, hovering over me, waiting for said ‘beso’. So, with my hands on his chest, where I was able to feel the definition of his muscles underneath the flimsy fabric of his uniformed shirt, I looked up at him and we locked lips.

It was quite the moment really, the kind you read in a trashy novel. He was all lips and hands and gyrating hips. And I, like the inexperienced vacation lover that I was, pushed him away gently. He apologized profusely at his uncontrollable passion, a gesture I find greatly endearing and romantic, and moved away from my desperately-wanting-dick-at-this-point body. He bid me a very sexy “buenos noches” and slipped into the night.

I. DIDN’T. SEE. HIM. FOR. FOUR. DAYS.

Imagine my dismay at not seeing Raul. I looked for him everywhere. The restaurants, the pool area, I hung around longingly at the concierge waiting to run into him, hoping he’d golf cart another guest into the resort. Nada.

Eventually Raul found me. And ironically enough, it was by fluke. And I will tell you all about it later you dirty freaks but, in order to prevent any future heartaches among the handful of you that are my fanbase, I want to share with you some pointers that I have learned along the way on how to make “Vacation Lovin'” easy yet sexy, quick yet passionate and stress-free yet fun. And for those of you that are vacationing “couples”, skip straight ahead to the “My Cuban Lover” post. Couples already got this down pat *insert wicked smile here*.

  • Keep an open mind. I’m not saying you should picture every member of the opposite sex as a potential bed-mate, but don’t overlook the “hired help” either. Doesn’t every man imagine sexing a hot woman in a maid’s outfit? Here’s your chance. Ladies, that hot lifeguard? Right. Oh, your standards are too high? Then stop reading and just move on with your lonely, unexciting life. I’m not talking about marrage here.
  • Stay packing. #NoLilWayne. I mean carry your own condoms. No, this does not make you a whore, you stupid dumb bitch. Any smart woman knows how to stay sexually safe. I shouldn’t even have to list this. But I will label you a dirty, nasty slut if you let ANYONE hit it raw, let alone Senor Sensual.
  • Keep it simple. Don’t exchange emails, BBMS, phone numbers. You don’t even need to exchange first names. Although, it sounds mucho sexy when they’re calling out your name in that accent during their, ahem, arrival.
  • Now’s the time to sneak around. Most of the hired help can potentially lose their jobs if they get caught pounding a guest. It’s amazing how well we comprehend foreign languages while vacationing. A mere, “Can I get another towel?” is translated to “I want you to take me from behind in the employee washroom and we’re going to do it for the next 6 minutes non-stop”.
  • DON’T. CATCH. FEELINGS. Can I say this again in a louder voice? DO NOT CATCH ANY FEELINGS!!!! Unless you want to deal with immigration laws and green cards and spending large amounts of cash to get your hired help across the border. There’s a reason I’m calling it “Vacation Lovin'”. Leave the loving at the resort. Come home with some warm memories.

That’s all I’ve got. Feel free to share with me some tips you might have. I might learn something I could use. *whispers*…..especially since I’ll be in Mexico in 12 days….*winks*.

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